Heather Arundel

The Diva of Darkness

Salton Sea Sunset Photo by Ron Niebrugge

Salton Sea Sunset Photo by Ron Niebrugge
The Beauty of Hell...

Article 1 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights - also known as my personal life motto!

All Human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

Who I am...

I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a survivor.
My family has made me who I am...my past family with past hurts...my current family with current joy.
Family is something you are born into and cannot choose,
family is also what you choose it to be once you are old enough to start anew...


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Life's Ups and Downs...

I've been struggling with the loss of nursing my newest addition. Nursing has sort of been an issue with me since the birth of my first child back in 2001, it has been a long road.

When Olivia was born, and we were still in the hospital, everyone told us that everything was going great with the breastfeeding. Then we got home. Then she was diagnosed "content to starve". Then came "finger feeding" and pumping that never took hold...for three months I was in pain and suffering with postpartum depression. It was a very bleak time.

When Topher was born, I was so worried - but had no reason to be because he nursed like a champ from day one...he was my easy child.

Now with Griffin, well...I always commit in my head to nurse for at least the first year; after all, the experts say this is best. A couple of weeks ago it became apparent that he was not satisfied after nursing...he would cry and root...and I was dry. I started supplementing with bottles AFTER breastfeeding for up to three hours at a time. It truly was the beginning of the end. I never should have done that, because now he prefers the bottles. Of course he does! He does not have to work as hard for his food, and formula is NOT breast milk; it is denser and "sticks to the ribs" more.

My milk has almost completely dried up...he will be three months on Tuesday. I know that logically he will be alright and I am NOT a bad mother...but since when does the logical portion of your brain rule your thinking as it relates to motherhood?!? That portion of my existence, my very identity, is ruled by emotion and hormones...and the emotions and hormones keep whispering to me that I am a failure, that I have let my littlest boy down, that I have completely ruined him in some way.

I am not ready to let go of nursing, but I feel as though my hands have been cut off so that I can no longer hold on...

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