It's been a long, long time...

I am blogging again. After only a wee bit of encouragement from my dear sis-in-law, Liz; I have decided to share what I hope you will agree was a very interesting experience.

Last Monday (November 22, 2010), I stopped to fill up my gas tank on the way to pick up my son from Preschool. I was approached by a man, who was obviously homeless; and he asked "can you help me get some food?"

I always help. If it is within my means, and it usually is possible even in a small way, I help those that ask for it. I am a strong believer in the story of the Good Samaritan, and I believe that angels/spirits/others walk amongst us and test us to see if we are being the best people that we can be. I also believe that most people fail these tests.

So when this dirty, pathetically thin man asked for help getting food; I was happy to oblige. There was a McDonald's next door and I told him I'd be right back with some food. I bought an Angus 1/3 Pounder meal - large size because it looked hearty, a fruit parfait - because McDonald's does not offer much in the choice of fruit, a side salad - he needs greens to ward off scurvy, and some chocolate chip cookies. I figured I had the money, and he needed it more than I.

I drove back next door and presented him with my offerings. What happened next took me quite a while to process and come to terms with.

He took the bags of food, looked at me with unrestrained hostility, threw the food on the ground and started jumping up and down on the food; all the while cursing me and screaming at me. I was dumbstruck. I just stood there, frozen.

What happened next I am convinced was a Higher Power showing me a better world.

A very large, African American man (think Refrigerator Perry) was drying off his car outside the car wash. He immediately strode over to where I was standing and positioned himself between the homeless man and myself. In the quietest, most serious voice you have ever heard, he began to chastise this crazy fool. I cannot tell you word for word what he said, but I do remember clearly that he never cursed, never raised his voice. With his first utterance, the homeless man froze - like he was under a spell. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck rose and I was covered in goosebumps; but I was not afraid.

When he finished telling this man how shameful his behavior appeared; he turned to me and said "You have done good, go in peace, you are blessed" - it was little more than a whisper in my mind.

I swear, I am not delusional and I am not fanatical; but this experience reaffirmed my long held beliefs. Angels/Spirits/Others walk amongst us, they are watching and testing; will you pass?

Life's Ups and Downs...

I've been struggling with the loss of nursing my newest addition. Nursing has sort of been an issue with me since the birth of my first child back in 2001, it has been a long road.

When Olivia was born, and we were still in the hospital, everyone told us that everything was going great with the breastfeeding. Then we got home. Then she was diagnosed "content to starve". Then came "finger feeding" and pumping that never took hold...for three months I was in pain and suffering with postpartum depression. It was a very bleak time.

When Topher was born, I was so worried - but had no reason to be because he nursed like a champ from day one...he was my easy child.

Now with Griffin, well...I always commit in my head to nurse for at least the first year; after all, the experts say this is best. A couple of weeks ago it became apparent that he was not satisfied after nursing...he would cry and root...and I was dry. I started supplementing with bottles AFTER breastfeeding for up to three hours at a time. It truly was the beginning of the end. I never should have done that, because now he prefers the bottles. Of course he does! He does not have to work as hard for his food, and formula is NOT breast milk; it is denser and "sticks to the ribs" more.

My milk has almost completely dried up...he will be three months on Tuesday. I know that logically he will be alright and I am NOT a bad mother...but since when does the logical portion of your brain rule your thinking as it relates to motherhood?!? That portion of my existence, my very identity, is ruled by emotion and hormones...and the emotions and hormones keep whispering to me that I am a failure, that I have let my littlest boy down, that I have completely ruined him in some way.

I am not ready to let go of nursing, but I feel as though my hands have been cut off so that I can no longer hold on...

Patriotism

I grew up in my grandparents home. My grandfather was career Navy and I was taught from an early age to appreciate what our country offers and what our Constitution guarantees. My grandfather survived Pearl Harbor (he was on the USS Oklahoma as it capsized) and he went on to fight in almost every major battle of the Pacific campaign. He also fought in the Korean War. I appreciate our service men and women and the families they leave behind when they are called to foreign lands to defend our way of life.

This week I was at the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk. In the line in front of me was a woman with 4 kids, she was trying to buy what I would consider "the essentials" for a family...juice, peanut butter, milk, bread, soup, lunch meat...and she did not have the money to pay for what her WIC coupons did not cover.

There was a woman in line between the two of us...she was very impatient and made a rude comment about not trying to buy what you don't have money for...at this the mother of four burst into tears. She then proceeded to inform all of us that she was not some "welfare mom using the system" she was in fact a widow of a soldier that had recently died in Afghanistan. That shut up the rude woman.

I wish I had the money to buy her groceries for her, but I did not. I paid for my milk and quickly caught up to her to ask if I could help her to her car. I held hands with her older children while we crossed the parking lot and I asked her how she could be in such dire straits. She then proceeded to inform me that as a veteran's widow she was afforded none of the guaranteed support that our veterans receive. How is this possible?

She informed me that upon notification of her husbands death she was given 15 days to vacate their on-base housing, and his final pay was taken back because he died at the beginning of the month - they said that they "prorate" the pay. In addition, the $10,000 death benefit that she should receive will be needed to bring him home and bury him.

I was completely astounded and enraged that our military could treat a widow of a soldier in such a manner. This woman, to me, has given the ultimate price...just as her husband did. She stayed home, raised his children, worried and prayed for his safety and was - in the end - treated like trash to be discarded as quickly and efficiently as possible.

How did this happen? What legislation came across my ballot that allows our government and military to treat military families this way? I do not remember hearing about any laws or policy on this...perhaps it is time to put this to the people. Perhaps it is time we as the people of the United States of America stand up and say, "THIS IS NOT RIGHT!"

Remembering...

It is hard for me to get the time to write on a consistent basis, but I have a bit of time now and thought I'd post some remembrances...this week has been one of remembering for me.

Five years ago my dearest friend died. Terri was an exceptional friend that was more soul-sister than anything else. When she passed I knew that I would never again share a relationship as special as the one we had together...and so far, I have been correct.

She died suddenly. There was no warning and I do not think I've recovered from the shock of her disappearing out of my life.

Since her death I have lost both of my grandparents...my grandfather on February 8, 2008 and my grandmother on February 20, 2009.

In the five years since her death I have also given birth to my two sons.

These have been momentous years.

Sometimes I feel her with me, I wonder if it is just wishful thinking or if her spirit; not yet ready to leave this world, has held on...and watches from the ether.

As the Indigo Girls wrote in their song "Ghost"..."of all my demon spirits, I need you the most"...I still need my dear friend and it sucks that I do not have her with me.

Time Slips Away...

When I was a child, I remember thinking how far away adulthood stood. It was like a wish that got caught on a breeze and was just out of reach...

Now I am an adult and everyday passes so quickly. I look at my children and see them growing so fast, it hurts to know that it will seem like I blinked and they are moving on into their own adulthood.

So much has happened this week. My mother was released from the hospital, then had to return 24 hours later; I had obligations galore, and felt swamped most of my waking hours...some of my asleep hours were spent dreaming about how much I had to do!

Now, I sit down to reflect and realize that my daughter is turning one year older, she will be nine years old on Sunday and that is the halfway point to her going away to college. That realization just put a stone in my stomach and froze my heart.

Of course, I will remain my "sensible" self and focus on the fact that I have so many moments with her in the future...so many life experiences to share and treasure.

Why does time have to be so slippery?

Mother vs. Cat

My mother has never been very good. I don't mean in the way that she will go to hell and not heaven - although she certainly will be heading south - it's more that she was never much of a mom to me...the good never made up for the bad.

So when she told me today, that I had to "get rid of the cat" - the cat my husband and I named "Babies" because we consider her our first child - I actually had to think about whether she meant enough to me to do this...to "get rid of MY cat".

In the end I rationalized that people are more valuable, worth more, than animals...and it helped that my wonderful mother-in-law (this woman is more of a mother to me than my own has ever been!) said she would take the cat.

Are people inherently more valuable than pets? Even bad people? I really don't think so. I think I was kidding myself. I think I'm going to regret choosing my mom over my cat.

It Begins

Today it begins. I will write my thoughts, reflections, and feelings into a blog. I've joined the 21st century. We will see if this helps or hurts, but I will focus on the things that matter most to me. These ideas and emotions might be too strong to willingly read at times...that is alright, this is for me; and if someone is helped by reading what I post here...than so be it.

At times I will wax philosophical and at other times I will simply scream out my frustrations with life. Good luck to me!