It has been quite an eventful last 24 hours. I've joined the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign, I've scheduled appointments, I've done the grocery shopping, I've had lunch and dinner with friends and in-laws, Oh! - and I've dealt with my brother threatening to kill my husband and just generally losing his mind...again.
Bi-polar/schizophrenic with psychotic tendencies...that is his official diagnosis; but he refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him. SO, I live my life loving him and wanting a better life for him; constantly bringing him back into the fold for one more chance (when he can pass for sane, usually). EVERY time I do this, he screws me over and goes crazy again.
Logically I understand that he has a mental illness that is not under control and so I cannot really blame him; can I? But I want to! I want to rail and rant at him! I want to scream "GET SOME FUCKING HELP!" Is there really any point?
He is unemployed, he has a record, and he sleeps in parks. It makes me so sad when I think about how I left him with my mother to go away to school. I wanted out so badly, I didn't even consider what I was abandoning. She did not want to deal with the responsibility of raising another child, she sure as hell doesn't want to deal with his mental illness now. God, I feel so shitty right now...
Through all of this, I have my mother here...living comfortably with me - off of my husbands sweat and hard work. I have so many issues with her, that can be a book in and of itself...
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It's not your fault. You did everything you could do. Eventually, you had to take care of you.
ReplyDeleteI've just arrived here from the campaign and as I don't know you, I can't pretend to understand what you're going through. I can and will, however, offer you a virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteSo, hugs to you.
He needs medication. I so feel for you. My mother is losing her mind right now with severe dementia and it is extremely difficult to deal with.
ReplyDelete@Liz: Thank you for your kind words! It's hard because guilt does not listen to reason...
ReplyDelete@Sarah: Thank you for your kindness
@Michael: He does need medication, but I fear will never allow himself to admit it. My grandparents died in 2008 and 2009, my grandfather first after battling dementia; my grandmother next after an 11 year battle with Alzheimer's...I cared for them both, in my home and know firsthand how devastating both diseases can be - to your own mind and body and soul and to theirs. Please know that my sympathies are with you and your mother - I wish no one had to live through that.
Oh, Heather - I can relate to this because I know what it's like to see someone you love needing help and not getting it, not taking care of themselves the way they should. My mother is an alcoholic with hypertension. The fun part? I have to move back in with her and Dad in a month because of my financial situation. I know it's hard, and I totally get why you needed to get away. Try not to blame yourself for that - there's only so much one person can take! I hope your brother sees the light and gets on the medication. (((HUG)))
ReplyDelete@Crystal: Living in the situation gives me strength, I know that must sound weird; but I am truly grateful for the life I've had (the good and bad) because it has made me stronger. I trust that this challenge coming up for you will do the same...make you strong so that you can go forth and be better than you ever thought! :) Thank you for your kind words and the hug!
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