Freak Out Fridays - Resolved?

Well, as many of you saw; my freak out really started this past Tuesday with my IWSG post.  The day ended with a trip to Target, all three kids in tow, and a list of needed items that was too long to bear.  I got about 3/4 of the way through before the incessant wailing of Lil Demon, the bickering between Archer Girl and Archer Boy, and my own exhaustion got the better of me.  I left my cart where it stood, full of groceries and other sundry items; then picked up the baby, snapped at the older two and strode out of the place with tired and frustrated tears streaming down my face.  Wow!  It's been a long time since I've succumbed to that kind of dramatic outburst, and I was wholly ashamed of myself.

The week hasn't got any better, except it has; and it is because of you.

I received some of the greatest comments from you all, sincere and straightforward, they really helped me start to put things into perspective.  While I've been whirring around like an out of control radio controlled helicopter, I've managed to come to a few conclusions inside my mixed up noggin.

First, my New Year's Resolution was dumb and ill-informed.  Just because someone from NaNo says it, doesn't make it so.  I don't give a rats ass how many "followers" I have, I want readers who become friends - and that's all I want.  I started this blog - originally way back in 2010 - as an online diary for Pete's sake!  I didn't figure I'd ever have anyone reading ANYTHING I wrote, but now I've made some good friends and I love where I'm at with this.

Second, blogging is my "hobby".  I want to be a writer.  I want to write and get paid for it.  I blog to make friends and be connected and I will write the rest of the time.  It is sad that it took me the past four months to finally come to this conclusion, but that's it...I'm going to let it be now.

So, I will continue to post my Freak Out Fridays; but they will be about all the OTHER shit I freak out about in my life - not blogging, nor writing.  I'll save all my insecurities up and continue to post those the first Wednesday of the month for Alex J. Cavanaugh's Insecure Writer's Support Group (check out his latest entry in this mighty fine support group here). 

Come back and visit for Confession Sunday, I'll be discussing a deep seated fear of mine!

O.M.G!

Oh! My! God!
Ok, my life has turned into writing whenever I can sneak it in...I'm at 15000 words and I'm seeing by other's blog posts that I'm falling behind.  I guess there is a contest to see who finishes first?  I didn't know that.  So, writing my novel is numero uno priority right now.

But wanted to mention just a few things...

Do you remember my amazingly talented, wonderful, drop-dead gorgeous husband that was scape-goated by a huge asshole a few weeks ago? If not, you can read about it here.  Well, he is SO awesome; that he just got a job offer from another company and they want to pay him WAY more money!  Whoo HOO!  Yeah, it kinda rocks. :)

Next, my kids went through a bit of a speed bump with archery - they were both whining and having issues, I don't know why...but this weekend they both rocked and made me proud and so...

Not only are they just awesome, all around awesome; but they totally support me writing and are giving me the space I need to do that.  My kids were even bragging at archery that "Mommy is a writer, writing a real book and everything".  I felt bad when they got bummed, I told them they cannot read it. ;)  Now my daughter is trying to negotiate with me, "When I'm 15 can I read it?"  Then I say, "Uh, no." 

She finally realized that I can't tell her NO at 18, so that's her plan...when she turns 18 she gets to read mommy's book.  She's too funny.

Well, that's all for my ramblings...

Back to writing my NaNo book! :)

The Weekend

The weekend has arrived.
The past week has been hard.
The times I had to think, few and far between.
The demands of me, overwhelming.

I go into these two days desiring peace.
I go forward expecting war.

The two days are short.
The mornings are my only time.
The hour before others awake, I sit and stare.
The pages remain empty, mocking.

Checking in...

Well, I haven't posted since my birthday.  Oh! What a birthday it was!  Dinner at the SUPER-romantic, historical Sky Room and a movie with my wonderful hubby...who could ask for anything more? :D

It is funny how crazy busy you become, whenever you don't want to be and have been actively trying to UN-drama your life.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Between archery, Girl Scouts, school activities, homework, fundraising, community service and all the other stuff - I'm wiped out.

In addition, I've been lagging on my writing.  When the kids finally go to sleep (usually the youngest is down by 11pm, at the latest); I find I'm exhausted and often just sit and stare until I can no longer keep my eyes open - then trudge off to bed.  Kinda sad, right?

Well, I've made a commitment to get my first novel done in the next year - deadline: July 31, 2012.  I figure it's an apropos date since it's LIZ's birthday and she really got me going with the blogging! 

So let the countdown begin!  Now I can no longer make excuses and have to write even when I'm tired.  Deadlines (even the ones I put on myself) keep me motivated, how about you?  What keeps you writing even when you are tired/sick/stressed/overwhelmed?  Do any of you struggle with this?

Happy writing and thanks for reading!

Another Year Older - It's My Birthday!

Today is the day that I stopped being a part of my mother's body - a parasite, in her eyes, for those 9 long months - and broke out to go it alone...on my own terms.  Yes, it is the DAY OF MY BIRTH! (And I do feel like I've been going it alone since birth! More on that in another post...)

I am married to a beautiful man (imagine Jamie Fraser from Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, not kidding! My friends called him "James Fraser" when we first got together.)  He blessed me with 3 beautiful children.  I'm 37 years old, and as my husband says "ahead of the game".

But somehow, I still feel like I have yet to accomplish something.  So I've quit making excuses and I'm writing. 

I'm also losing weight.  I've been overweight since college and it just BALLOONED with each of my kids (and all those massive binge sessions - note to self, when you are bulimic and stop puking but keep binging - you will get grossly FAT!), so I'm taking charge of my health. 

Losing weight (I've still got 100 lbs to go and have already lost 95 lbs!) is very hard.  Writing is very hard.  Here is why...

1. I am inherently a procrastinator.
2. I am inherently an addict. (Oh the stories I can tell!)

So what do I do to overcome?

I force myself to write, and I force myself to say "NO" to unhealthy food.

I am not dieting, I do not believe that "dieting" works because it is not possible to diet forever.  I want to learn to make wiser choices with my food, but I'm still a busy human with 3 small humans so we go to fast food sometimes...I just order the salad and get the healthiest dressing they've got; not the double cheeseburger, chicken nuggets, fries, x-large soda AND salad.

As for the writing; well, when I'm tired from being up most of the night with the baby and I can't seem to think of anything worthwhile to say...I just blog about inane shit that no one cares about but me! ;)

The Campaign is kickin' my butt!

Well, I finally figured out how to "follow" everyone in my group (all those with no "follow" button are making it incredibly difficult to "follow" you!), and now I am responsible for reading 60 blogs everyday.  I am a mother of three and even when the older two start school on Wednesday, I will still have my willful, stubborn, overly active 15 month old at home with me.  It took me over 3 hours on Friday to read/comment on all the blogs; and I don't have that kind of time!

Please, gentle bloggers, please let me know how you do this - and how to do it correctly!  I want to fulfill my obligations; but as of this weekend...I feel like I'm letting Rach & all the other bloggers down!

I know, I know...I'm a perfectionist and I'm sure Liz will say "Just do what you can"; but I want to give all of you the same attention you are giving to me!

Help!

I'm participating in the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign!

Hello Everyone!
I have decided (after much ado and discussion with various peoples, including Liz) to join the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign.  Since I am so new to the blogging world, there is a lot that I will be learning and there is a lot I am already confused about; but I have high hopes!

I look forward to these challenges and to making new friends and followers in this exciting new world!


Check back frequently to see how this is all going, and let's hope I don't fall on my face!

It's midnight and I'm writing...

 This is what is bouncing around in my head...another part to my story...please let me know what you think...

“What do you mean you want to go back to happiness?  What does that mean?” I said in my usual exasperated tone.  I had, after all, become someone new to myself; someone that I no long knew or even liked.  Communicating with the old man had become a chore that was mired in confusion, fantasy, and more than a little crazy.

“I just want to see it one more time, I want to feel the heat and smell the water.” He replied, and I finally stopped folding clothes long enough to look at him - to register the very real longing on his face.  It made me ashamed.

“Do you remember that place as something magical? Because I don’t.”  My reply was venom, I cannot even seem to stop it when I want to now.  His sad eyes are more than a bit wet, and still I’m filled with anger - this feeling isn’t right and yet I can’t seem to feel anything else.  What happened to me?

“Baby doll, you know we had good times; why won’t you let yourself remember the good times?” he asks me.

“Good times?!? Are you kidding me?? That is the place where you nearly killed me!!!”

Another part to my book...feedback is appreciated! :)

When you can't sleep because the words won't stop...

I was lying in bed, unable to shut off my brain; words just kept coming - so I decided to get up and put them down on paper. What I wrote in the wee hours of the night will be the topic of my blog today...these words are part of that novel that has been plaguing my thoughts for the past 5 years. Please let me know what you think...
 
Dead fish, briny water, sweat, and just the most subtle hint of citrus, that is what the North Shore of the Salton Sea smelled like in the summer of ’81. Horse flies the size of half dollars, temperatures that reached 116 degrees, and alcoholic old men telling stories were the sounds that surrounded me. The small, illegal enclave of broken down, dilapidated campers that dotted the landscape at the inlet where I lived was a hell hole to many; a place to go and drink away the pain for some. I was 7 years old and didn’t know any better, it was heaven on earth to my young eyes because I was with him. The scrub grass, the tumble weeds, the jack rabbits and snakes; were all witness to the best and worst summer of my life. I loved the old life raft that he inflated for me to fill with water I carried in buckets myself so that I could try to stay cool, I loved the pipe that emptied down the path - that cold water that came from who knows where, carrying who knows what in it - was so refreshing I never thought to ask if it was safe to drink or swim. I loved practice shooting with his pellet rifle at the old beer cans that seemed to amass outside of Jack and Joey’s campers every night. I loved the smell of George’s breath when he was drinking his special Tequila Sunrise medicine. Above all, I loved the old Honda motorcycle he used to drive me to the yacht club for Sunday Pancake Breakfast. Have you ever been to a place so hot that just breathing is hard? A place where the mercury reaches 95 degrees Fahrenheit and the locals comment on how cool its become? I remember the Baptist church we attended all summer, and how I was the only person in the congregation under the age of 65. I remember how cool that church was and how much I looked forward to going there, even though the preacher gave me the creeps because he always hugged me too close and too long. That church and the yacht club were the only places with air conditioning, the only places that didn’t smell like dead fish and sweat. 

Now obviously, this is VERY rough and it is my first foray with letting others read what I write...so please be a bit gentle with me!

The Universe is conspiring...against or for me?

My husband tells me to write a poem, and then my sister-in-law writes a meme post on her blog and tags me asking that I return to my long abandoned blog...

Well, I am not in the blogosphere and I do not even know what a meme is, I can assume it is a series of questions that are asked to get to know one better. At least that is what I assume.

As soon as I figure out how to take from her blog, and add to my own; I will post that meme here...

It strikes me as a bit strange, though, that two people in my life are suddenly trying to get me to write. At a time when I am contemplating enrolling in a Masters program that I am not very passionate about, a time when I wish I had the confidence to write the novel I've had kicking around in my head for the last 5 years...

I believe the Universe is conspiring...on my behalf?

My Husband has a strange request...

Yesterday, I received a text from my husband. "Write a poem today." That is all it said, and when I tried to question him about it he just said "Do it". So I did. I'm adding them here, for your reading enjoyment...I hope.

A Day in the Life...

screaming, screaming, clinging, crying - sniffle, sniffle
laughing, laughing, spinning, twirling - smirk, smirk
yelling, yelling, cursing, crying - sniffle, sniffle

a day in the life of a mother of three


Untitled
I am an adult in a child's world
all is at their bidding, all that matters is their wants and desires
I often long for adult conversation, I often wish for a job outside of this home

I am an adult in a child's world
all the world is crashing, all that matters is defending the sheet fort
I often long for time to stop, I often wish that I could keep them home forever

I am an adult in a child's world
all that matters is that I love them, all that matters is they love me
I often long for cuddles that come less frequently, I often wish to turn back time

I am an adult in a child's world
I know frustration
I know longing
I know play
I know heartache
I know love