The novel I am writing is 50% based on my personal experiences with my grandfather down at the Salton Sea in Southern California, and 50% based on my fucked up imagination.
Having said that, I have felt this irrepressible need to drive to the god-forsaken place and take some pictures; re-experience it if you will.
My husband actually agreed with me that it is probably important to do this, I was not expecting that.
So this Sunday, I will leave to drive out there with 6 other people in the van with me - I decided it might as well be a family thing and then invited a couple dear friends for good measure!
I plan to drive the same route, stop at the same stops, and generally re-create as much as I can from memory. My daughter is attending this trip down memory lane, so I might use her as a stand-in for some of the more important photos.
What I am struggling with is how excited I am to show my kids and husband this vital piece of land that is so ingrained in my history, in who I truly am as their mother - as a wife to my husband. The summers I spent there changed me. The shit that I saw affected my world view.
The Salton Sea was where I did a lot of growing up - growing up faster than any seven year old should. I've got demons down there, but I refuse to let them scare me - I'm going to go and have a good time with my family and I'm going to show my kids the fun "kid" things so that they have the experience they should.
I can't wait to stop at Hadley's and get a date shake, I haven't had one since I was seven! I can't wait to see if my kids love them as much as I do! I want to take pictures with the giant Cabazon Dinosaurs.
Everything we do will be based on having a good time...I promise you that!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sibling Rivalry
My daughter began archery this summer, my son instantly wanted to take part as well. After watching how dedicated she is, taking her to daily coaching and practice sessions; it became apparent that not only is she gifted in this sport - she is passionate about it.
Olivia researched archery as a sport and discovered that not only are there national and international competitions, Archery is an Olympic event. Going to the Olympics has become her goal. She talks about it non-stop, asking her father and I "when I go to the Olympics, will you both be there?" Notice she does not say "IF" but "WHEN".
So now my son is also shooting. He is really gifted and passionate about it too. Last week their coach told my husband a funny story. It seems that Olivia was talking about "when" she goes to the Olympics and Topher said, "Sissy, wouldn't it be funny if I made it to the Olympics before you?" Their coach began laughing his ass off! Olivia was not too happy, but Topher was not trying to be snide - he was honestly asking her if it would be funny...she did not see the humor.
Ah! Sibling Rivalry at its best!
Olivia researched archery as a sport and discovered that not only are there national and international competitions, Archery is an Olympic event. Going to the Olympics has become her goal. She talks about it non-stop, asking her father and I "when I go to the Olympics, will you both be there?" Notice she does not say "IF" but "WHEN".
So now my son is also shooting. He is really gifted and passionate about it too. Last week their coach told my husband a funny story. It seems that Olivia was talking about "when" she goes to the Olympics and Topher said, "Sissy, wouldn't it be funny if I made it to the Olympics before you?" Their coach began laughing his ass off! Olivia was not too happy, but Topher was not trying to be snide - he was honestly asking her if it would be funny...she did not see the humor.
Ah! Sibling Rivalry at its best!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Mental Illness Sucks Ass
It has been quite an eventful last 24 hours. I've joined the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign, I've scheduled appointments, I've done the grocery shopping, I've had lunch and dinner with friends and in-laws, Oh! - and I've dealt with my brother threatening to kill my husband and just generally losing his mind...again.
Bi-polar/schizophrenic with psychotic tendencies...that is his official diagnosis; but he refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him. SO, I live my life loving him and wanting a better life for him; constantly bringing him back into the fold for one more chance (when he can pass for sane, usually). EVERY time I do this, he screws me over and goes crazy again.
Logically I understand that he has a mental illness that is not under control and so I cannot really blame him; can I? But I want to! I want to rail and rant at him! I want to scream "GET SOME FUCKING HELP!" Is there really any point?
He is unemployed, he has a record, and he sleeps in parks. It makes me so sad when I think about how I left him with my mother to go away to school. I wanted out so badly, I didn't even consider what I was abandoning. She did not want to deal with the responsibility of raising another child, she sure as hell doesn't want to deal with his mental illness now. God, I feel so shitty right now...
Through all of this, I have my mother here...living comfortably with me - off of my husbands sweat and hard work. I have so many issues with her, that can be a book in and of itself...
Bi-polar/schizophrenic with psychotic tendencies...that is his official diagnosis; but he refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him. SO, I live my life loving him and wanting a better life for him; constantly bringing him back into the fold for one more chance (when he can pass for sane, usually). EVERY time I do this, he screws me over and goes crazy again.
Logically I understand that he has a mental illness that is not under control and so I cannot really blame him; can I? But I want to! I want to rail and rant at him! I want to scream "GET SOME FUCKING HELP!" Is there really any point?
He is unemployed, he has a record, and he sleeps in parks. It makes me so sad when I think about how I left him with my mother to go away to school. I wanted out so badly, I didn't even consider what I was abandoning. She did not want to deal with the responsibility of raising another child, she sure as hell doesn't want to deal with his mental illness now. God, I feel so shitty right now...
Through all of this, I have my mother here...living comfortably with me - off of my husbands sweat and hard work. I have so many issues with her, that can be a book in and of itself...
Monday, August 22, 2011
I'm participating in the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign!
Hello Everyone!
I have decided (after much ado and discussion with various peoples, including Liz) to join the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign. Since I am so new to the blogging world, there is a lot that I will be learning and there is a lot I am already confused about; but I have high hopes!
I look forward to these challenges and to making new friends and followers in this exciting new world!
Check back frequently to see how this is all going, and let's hope I don't fall on my face!
I have decided (after much ado and discussion with various peoples, including Liz) to join the Third Writers' Platform-Building Campaign. Since I am so new to the blogging world, there is a lot that I will be learning and there is a lot I am already confused about; but I have high hopes!
I look forward to these challenges and to making new friends and followers in this exciting new world!
Check back frequently to see how this is all going, and let's hope I don't fall on my face!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
It's midnight and I'm writing...
This is what is bouncing around in my head...another part to my story...please let me know what you think...
“What do you mean you want to go back to happiness? What does that mean?” I said in my usual exasperated tone. I had, after all, become someone new to myself; someone that I no long knew or even liked. Communicating with the old man had become a chore that was mired in confusion, fantasy, and more than a little crazy.
“I just want to see it one more time, I want to feel the heat and smell the water.” He replied, and I finally stopped folding clothes long enough to look at him - to register the very real longing on his face. It made me ashamed.
“Do you remember that place as something magical? Because I don’t.” My reply was venom, I cannot even seem to stop it when I want to now. His sad eyes are more than a bit wet, and still I’m filled with anger - this feeling isn’t right and yet I can’t seem to feel anything else. What happened to me?
“Baby doll, you know we had good times; why won’t you let yourself remember the good times?” he asks me.
“Good times?!? Are you kidding me?? That is the place where you nearly killed me!!!”
Another part to my book...feedback is appreciated! :)
“What do you mean you want to go back to happiness? What does that mean?” I said in my usual exasperated tone. I had, after all, become someone new to myself; someone that I no long knew or even liked. Communicating with the old man had become a chore that was mired in confusion, fantasy, and more than a little crazy.
“I just want to see it one more time, I want to feel the heat and smell the water.” He replied, and I finally stopped folding clothes long enough to look at him - to register the very real longing on his face. It made me ashamed.
“Do you remember that place as something magical? Because I don’t.” My reply was venom, I cannot even seem to stop it when I want to now. His sad eyes are more than a bit wet, and still I’m filled with anger - this feeling isn’t right and yet I can’t seem to feel anything else. What happened to me?
“Baby doll, you know we had good times; why won’t you let yourself remember the good times?” he asks me.
“Good times?!? Are you kidding me?? That is the place where you nearly killed me!!!”
Another part to my book...feedback is appreciated! :)
Friday, August 19, 2011
When you can't sleep because the words won't stop...
I was lying in bed, unable to shut off my brain; words just kept coming - so I decided to get up and put them down on paper. What I wrote in the wee hours of the night will be the topic of my blog today...these words are part of that novel that has been plaguing my thoughts for the past 5 years. Please let me know what you think...
Dead fish, briny water, sweat, and just the most subtle hint of citrus, that is what the North Shore of the Salton Sea smelled like in the summer of ’81. Horse flies the size of half dollars, temperatures that reached 116 degrees, and alcoholic old men telling stories were the sounds that surrounded me. The small, illegal enclave of broken down, dilapidated campers that dotted the landscape at the inlet where I lived was a hell hole to many; a place to go and drink away the pain for some. I was 7 years old and didn’t know any better, it was heaven on earth to my young eyes because I was with him. The scrub grass, the tumble weeds, the jack rabbits and snakes; were all witness to the best and worst summer of my life. I loved the old life raft that he inflated for me to fill with water I carried in buckets myself so that I could try to stay cool, I loved the pipe that emptied down the path - that cold water that came from who knows where, carrying who knows what in it - was so refreshing I never thought to ask if it was safe to drink or swim. I loved practice shooting with his pellet rifle at the old beer cans that seemed to amass outside of Jack and Joey’s campers every night. I loved the smell of George’s breath when he was drinking his special Tequila Sunrise medicine. Above all, I loved the old Honda motorcycle he used to drive me to the yacht club for Sunday Pancake Breakfast. Have you ever been to a place so hot that just breathing is hard? A place where the mercury reaches 95 degrees Fahrenheit and the locals comment on how cool its become? I remember the Baptist church we attended all summer, and how I was the only person in the congregation under the age of 65. I remember how cool that church was and how much I looked forward to going there, even though the preacher gave me the creeps because he always hugged me too close and too long. That church and the yacht club were the only places with air conditioning, the only places that didn’t smell like dead fish and sweat.
Now obviously, this is VERY rough and it is my first foray with letting others read what I write...so please be a bit gentle with me!
Dead fish, briny water, sweat, and just the most subtle hint of citrus, that is what the North Shore of the Salton Sea smelled like in the summer of ’81. Horse flies the size of half dollars, temperatures that reached 116 degrees, and alcoholic old men telling stories were the sounds that surrounded me. The small, illegal enclave of broken down, dilapidated campers that dotted the landscape at the inlet where I lived was a hell hole to many; a place to go and drink away the pain for some. I was 7 years old and didn’t know any better, it was heaven on earth to my young eyes because I was with him. The scrub grass, the tumble weeds, the jack rabbits and snakes; were all witness to the best and worst summer of my life. I loved the old life raft that he inflated for me to fill with water I carried in buckets myself so that I could try to stay cool, I loved the pipe that emptied down the path - that cold water that came from who knows where, carrying who knows what in it - was so refreshing I never thought to ask if it was safe to drink or swim. I loved practice shooting with his pellet rifle at the old beer cans that seemed to amass outside of Jack and Joey’s campers every night. I loved the smell of George’s breath when he was drinking his special Tequila Sunrise medicine. Above all, I loved the old Honda motorcycle he used to drive me to the yacht club for Sunday Pancake Breakfast. Have you ever been to a place so hot that just breathing is hard? A place where the mercury reaches 95 degrees Fahrenheit and the locals comment on how cool its become? I remember the Baptist church we attended all summer, and how I was the only person in the congregation under the age of 65. I remember how cool that church was and how much I looked forward to going there, even though the preacher gave me the creeps because he always hugged me too close and too long. That church and the yacht club were the only places with air conditioning, the only places that didn’t smell like dead fish and sweat.
Now obviously, this is VERY rough and it is my first foray with letting others read what I write...so please be a bit gentle with me!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Learning How To Blog
So I am sitting here with my dear sis-in-law and she is voluntarily going to walk me through some cool new things that I can do with this blog. Right off the bat, I've learned that I've been writing in the "Edit Html" window when I should be using "Compose"...huh...who would've thunk it?
I guess my version of this blogging software is super old, so now I need to be using something else...we'll see how this all works out...the more I learn, the more complicated this becomes - which just makes me want to throw in the towel! Because really, who has time for this shit anyway???
So...Since Liz is here, I might as well do the damn aforementioned MEME...
1. Are you a rutabaga?
This is probably the stupidest, most idiotic question ever thought up; and those adult followers of "Yo Gabba Gabba" probably find it SO PROFOUND!
2. Who is your current crush?
My current crush is the same as my crush from 14 years ago...I am now and will always be...CRUSHING HARD ON MY HUSBAND!!!
3. Upload a heartwarming picture that makes you smile.
UMMM... honestly, the only thing that warms my heart is:
4. When was the last time you ate a vine-ripened tomato?
Cooked? two days ago. I made my famous home-made tomato sauce. Raw however is another story...the last time I had a raw tomato in my mouth (vine ripened or otherwise) was July 8th. I bit into a burger I had ordered (specifying that I cannot eat raw tomatoes or else I would have a severe allergic reaction) and low and behold...there was a tomato on the burger! I immediately spit the bite out and it couldn't have been in my mouth for more than 2 seconds, and yet I still broke out in hives all over my face and neck - so NOT a pretty look!
5. Name one habit that causes other people to plot your demise.
I would say it has to be my habit of being completely unforgiving to those people who make plans and then flake on them...or show up exceedingly late with no valid reason...I truly hate that!
6. What is the weirdest, most disgusting job you've ever had to do?
Maple Leaf Farms. Very few people can say that they have worked at a duck processing plant, BUT I CAN! I was responsible for "de-gutting" the ducks after they had been fresh killed, de-feathered, and had their throats slit to drain their blood...oh the stories I can tell about THAT summer job!
7. Where da muffin top at?
I do not believe I can call it a muffin top after 3 GINORMOUS kids...
8. What author introduced you to your genre?
I don't have a genre...
9. Describe yourself using obscure Latin words.
Obscurum per obscurius
So, I'm done with this post and now I am to "TAG" someone else...well, since I'm so new and only know of 2 blogs (one being the person who tagged me!), I will choose my dear friend and medium LILITH/Sue Jorgenson.
I guess my version of this blogging software is super old, so now I need to be using something else...we'll see how this all works out...the more I learn, the more complicated this becomes - which just makes me want to throw in the towel! Because really, who has time for this shit anyway???
So...Since Liz is here, I might as well do the damn aforementioned MEME...
1. Are you a rutabaga?
This is probably the stupidest, most idiotic question ever thought up; and those adult followers of "Yo Gabba Gabba" probably find it SO PROFOUND!
2. Who is your current crush?
My current crush is the same as my crush from 14 years ago...I am now and will always be...CRUSHING HARD ON MY HUSBAND!!!
3. Upload a heartwarming picture that makes you smile.
UMMM... honestly, the only thing that warms my heart is:
Cooked? two days ago. I made my famous home-made tomato sauce. Raw however is another story...the last time I had a raw tomato in my mouth (vine ripened or otherwise) was July 8th. I bit into a burger I had ordered (specifying that I cannot eat raw tomatoes or else I would have a severe allergic reaction) and low and behold...there was a tomato on the burger! I immediately spit the bite out and it couldn't have been in my mouth for more than 2 seconds, and yet I still broke out in hives all over my face and neck - so NOT a pretty look!
5. Name one habit that causes other people to plot your demise.
I would say it has to be my habit of being completely unforgiving to those people who make plans and then flake on them...or show up exceedingly late with no valid reason...I truly hate that!
6. What is the weirdest, most disgusting job you've ever had to do?
Maple Leaf Farms. Very few people can say that they have worked at a duck processing plant, BUT I CAN! I was responsible for "de-gutting" the ducks after they had been fresh killed, de-feathered, and had their throats slit to drain their blood...oh the stories I can tell about THAT summer job!
7. Where da muffin top at?
I do not believe I can call it a muffin top after 3 GINORMOUS kids...
8. What author introduced you to your genre?
I don't have a genre...
9. Describe yourself using obscure Latin words.
Obscurum per obscurius
So, I'm done with this post and now I am to "TAG" someone else...well, since I'm so new and only know of 2 blogs (one being the person who tagged me!), I will choose my dear friend and medium LILITH/Sue Jorgenson.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Universe is conspiring...against or for me?
My husband tells me to write a poem, and then my sister-in-law writes a meme post on her blog and tags me asking that I return to my long abandoned blog...
Well, I am not in the blogosphere and I do not even know what a meme is, I can assume it is a series of questions that are asked to get to know one better. At least that is what I assume.
As soon as I figure out how to take from her blog, and add to my own; I will post that meme here...
It strikes me as a bit strange, though, that two people in my life are suddenly trying to get me to write. At a time when I am contemplating enrolling in a Masters program that I am not very passionate about, a time when I wish I had the confidence to write the novel I've had kicking around in my head for the last 5 years...
I believe the Universe is conspiring...on my behalf?
Well, I am not in the blogosphere and I do not even know what a meme is, I can assume it is a series of questions that are asked to get to know one better. At least that is what I assume.
As soon as I figure out how to take from her blog, and add to my own; I will post that meme here...
It strikes me as a bit strange, though, that two people in my life are suddenly trying to get me to write. At a time when I am contemplating enrolling in a Masters program that I am not very passionate about, a time when I wish I had the confidence to write the novel I've had kicking around in my head for the last 5 years...
I believe the Universe is conspiring...on my behalf?
My Husband has a strange request...
Yesterday, I received a text from my husband. "Write a poem today." That is all it said, and when I tried to question him about it he just said "Do it". So I did. I'm adding them here, for your reading enjoyment...I hope.
A Day in the Life...
screaming, screaming, clinging, crying - sniffle, sniffle
laughing, laughing, spinning, twirling - smirk, smirk
yelling, yelling, cursing, crying - sniffle, sniffle
a day in the life of a mother of three
Untitled
I am an adult in a child's world
all is at their bidding, all that matters is their wants and desires
I often long for adult conversation, I often wish for a job outside of this home
I am an adult in a child's world
all the world is crashing, all that matters is defending the sheet fort
I often long for time to stop, I often wish that I could keep them home forever
I am an adult in a child's world
all that matters is that I love them, all that matters is they love me
I often long for cuddles that come less frequently, I often wish to turn back time
I am an adult in a child's world
I know frustration
I know longing
I know play
I know heartache
I know love
A Day in the Life...
screaming, screaming, clinging, crying - sniffle, sniffle
laughing, laughing, spinning, twirling - smirk, smirk
yelling, yelling, cursing, crying - sniffle, sniffle
a day in the life of a mother of three
Untitled
I am an adult in a child's world
all is at their bidding, all that matters is their wants and desires
I often long for adult conversation, I often wish for a job outside of this home
I am an adult in a child's world
all the world is crashing, all that matters is defending the sheet fort
I often long for time to stop, I often wish that I could keep them home forever
I am an adult in a child's world
all that matters is that I love them, all that matters is they love me
I often long for cuddles that come less frequently, I often wish to turn back time
I am an adult in a child's world
I know frustration
I know longing
I know play
I know heartache
I know love
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's been a long, long time...
I am blogging again. After only a wee bit of encouragement from my dear sis-in-law, Liz; I have decided to share what I hope you will agree was a very interesting experience.
Last Monday (November 22, 2010), I stopped to fill up my gas tank on the way to pick up my son from Preschool. I was approached by a man, who was obviously homeless; and he asked "can you help me get some food?"
I always help. If it is within my means, and it usually is possible even in a small way, I help those that ask for it. I am a strong believer in the story of the Good Samaritan, and I believe that angels/spirits/others walk amongst us and test us to see if we are being the best people that we can be. I also believe that most people fail these tests.
So when this dirty, pathetically thin man asked for help getting food; I was happy to oblige. There was a McDonald's next door and I told him I'd be right back with some food. I bought an Angus 1/3 Pounder meal - large size because it looked hearty, a fruit parfait - because McDonald's does not offer much in the choice of fruit, a side salad - he needs greens to ward off scurvy, and some chocolate chip cookies. I figured I had the money, and he needed it more than I.
I drove back next door and presented him with my offerings. What happened next took me quite a while to process and come to terms with.
He took the bags of food, looked at me with unrestrained hostility, threw the food on the ground and started jumping up and down on the food; all the while cursing me and screaming at me. I was dumbstruck. I just stood there, frozen.
What happened next I am convinced was a Higher Power showing me a better world.
A very large, African American man (think Refrigerator Perry) was drying off his car outside the car wash. He immediately strode over to where I was standing and positioned himself between the homeless man and myself. In the quietest, most serious voice you have ever heard, he began to chastise this crazy fool. I cannot tell you word for word what he said, but I do remember clearly that he never cursed, never raised his voice. With his first utterance, the homeless man froze - like he was under a spell. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck rose and I was covered in goosebumps; but I was not afraid.
When he finished telling this man how shameful his behavior appeared; he turned to me and said "You have done good, go in peace, you are blessed" - it was little more than a whisper in my mind.
I swear, I am not delusional and I am not fanatical; but this experience reaffirmed my long held beliefs. Angels/Spirits/Others walk amongst us, they are watching and testing; will you pass?
Last Monday (November 22, 2010), I stopped to fill up my gas tank on the way to pick up my son from Preschool. I was approached by a man, who was obviously homeless; and he asked "can you help me get some food?"
I always help. If it is within my means, and it usually is possible even in a small way, I help those that ask for it. I am a strong believer in the story of the Good Samaritan, and I believe that angels/spirits/others walk amongst us and test us to see if we are being the best people that we can be. I also believe that most people fail these tests.
So when this dirty, pathetically thin man asked for help getting food; I was happy to oblige. There was a McDonald's next door and I told him I'd be right back with some food. I bought an Angus 1/3 Pounder meal - large size because it looked hearty, a fruit parfait - because McDonald's does not offer much in the choice of fruit, a side salad - he needs greens to ward off scurvy, and some chocolate chip cookies. I figured I had the money, and he needed it more than I.
I drove back next door and presented him with my offerings. What happened next took me quite a while to process and come to terms with.
He took the bags of food, looked at me with unrestrained hostility, threw the food on the ground and started jumping up and down on the food; all the while cursing me and screaming at me. I was dumbstruck. I just stood there, frozen.
What happened next I am convinced was a Higher Power showing me a better world.
A very large, African American man (think Refrigerator Perry) was drying off his car outside the car wash. He immediately strode over to where I was standing and positioned himself between the homeless man and myself. In the quietest, most serious voice you have ever heard, he began to chastise this crazy fool. I cannot tell you word for word what he said, but I do remember clearly that he never cursed, never raised his voice. With his first utterance, the homeless man froze - like he was under a spell. The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck rose and I was covered in goosebumps; but I was not afraid.
When he finished telling this man how shameful his behavior appeared; he turned to me and said "You have done good, go in peace, you are blessed" - it was little more than a whisper in my mind.
I swear, I am not delusional and I am not fanatical; but this experience reaffirmed my long held beliefs. Angels/Spirits/Others walk amongst us, they are watching and testing; will you pass?
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