I'm Hearing Voices Blog Hop

I signed up for this blog hop and nearly forgot!  I'm really scatter-brained, sorry to Angie and Cassie whose blogs you can visit by clicking on their names.  You can also get all the awesome details for this fantastical idea from their blogs.

It's time for my interview with Lorraine.  I'm really NOT looking forward to this, and neither is she - we are both a bit surly about having to take time out of our busy lives to talk to one another.  So be forewarned, I promise to remain civil; but I can't swear that Lorraine will.  She's a total bitch. You can get to know her a bit better by reading some of my past WIP Wednesday posts, she is the MC from my current novel that I started during NaNo.  Well, here goes nothing!

What is your biggest vulnerability?  Do others know or is it a secret?

"Are you fucking kidding me?  Um, I thought this was serious shit we were going to be talking about, I DO NOT HAVE ANY VULNERABILITIES YOU DUMB ASS!"

Ok, well; thank you for that honest answer?  I guess, how about this one...What do people believe about you that is false?

"Well, I guess that would be that most people that meet me - if they live - think I'm a dyke."

Nice.  Really classy.  Can we try not to offend everyone on the planet? 

"What the fuck do I care about your goddamn readers?"

Right.  Okay, what would your best friend say is your fatal flaw?  Why?

"HA!" she's laughing her ass off, snorting even.

"Oh! That is priceless! I'll have to remember to tell Andre you asked about 'my best friend'; too fucking funny.  Listen carefully, I DO NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS.  DEFINITELY NO, what do they call them? BFF's?  Too fucking funny."

Well, I guess that means I shouldn't ask you the next question, What would the same friend say is your one redeeming quality?  Why?

"NEXT!"

Final question and then you can leave, What do you want most?  What will you do to get it?

"That's simple.  I want every fucking, goddamn degenerate on this planet who thinks they can fuck with little kids to die.  Painfully.  Slowly.  And I will do ANYTHING to be sure I get them all, it might take me time; but I'll get all those fuckers!

And that is all she wrote, so to speak.  She's gone.  I swear, I love her and hate it at the same time.  Lorraine is a complicated bird, and I struggle to stay true to her because I often want to soften her; make her more palatable.  I want others to love/hate her too; but I fear they won't take the time or energy to see beneath her facade.  Well, we shall see!

Self-Sabotage and Other Epic Failures/Insecure Writer's Support Group

NaNoWriMo came and went, it ended with a fizzle for me.  I had 45,000 words on the 25th and considered myself "Oh SO CONFIDENT"; then I deleted 20,000 words after a day's break from the writing.  Why did I do that?  I didn't cut and paste into a new document - I DELETED THE WORDS!  I am a self-sabotager of the worst kind.

I wrote furiously from the 27th until the 30th, but furiously for me - with a sick baby, a sick 10 year old, a sick me and a sick husband who had to go to work - well, that translates to about 3 or 4 hours a day.  I average 1000 words an hour.  It wasn't going to happen.

Since my epic failure, I have been licking my wounds.  And thinking about my worst enemy - myself.  I made it to 47,000 words; but that doesn't really matter, does it?  I failed.

Do any of you struggle with self-sabotage?  Do you find yourself becoming your own worst enemy - in relation to your writing, or anything else in your life?  I'd be curious to see if this is unique to me; or if, perhaps, all writers (and humans) suffer with this a bit.  As part of the great Alex Cavanaugh's Insecure Writer's Support Group, I'd love to read whether any of you have ever dealt with this?

Can't wait to hear from you all!

When Life is Unexpected...Isn't it Always?

My last post mentioned my brother, and how I was sure he wouldn't ruin Thanksgiving this year.  I'm happy to report that he did not.  In fact, he didn't show up at all...until Saturday.  I was quite shocked though when he informed me that he was here to apologize for his past behavior.  He went on to tell my husband and I that he is being seen by a therapist, is in recovery (I guess living on the streets finally sunk in as his "rock bottom") and is in the process of getting on medication.  He even admitted that "I'll never succeed at anything in life unless I am willing to admit that I have a mental illness I need help taking care of", color me speechless!

I have told him that I would always be there for him, if he ever got to the point where he was willing to admit he was sick AND get the help he needs; and I'm here.  However, he left that night - forgot his cell phone - and I haven't heard from him since.

Do I fret?  Shall I worry?  No, my life cannot be about him and his disease.  I have a husband and three children to take care of, they need me more than he does.

So I go on...living life and dealing with the daily unexpected happenings, living the best I can and being the best that I can be.

Ho hum, right? ;)

Final note: I was at 45,000 words on Friday (regarding my NaNoWriMo book) and I didn't write Saturday; but when I went to "finish" on Sunday - I realized that about 20,000 words of that belong in another book.  So I deleted it.

I'm back up to 31,000 and I'm going to be writing like a maniac to finish by the 30th; but I can do whatever I set my mind to accomplish...right?  Tell me I'm right...PLEASE?

The Thanksgiving Post

This will be my only post this week.  I hope everyone has a beautiful holiday, whether that happens with family or friends; or both!

This Thanksgiving holiday I am especially thankful for a lack of psycho people in my life.  It seems this is the first time in my 37 years that I do not have at least one crazy person raining on my parade.  Of course, my brother still exists - but I never see or hear from him, I really do not know what is going on with him at all.  I have no fear of him showing up on my doorstep, since we will be going to my mom-in-laws this year.

In addition, I am thankful for my sis-in-law (check out her blog here) who has been a wonderful encouragement to me and my writing process.  I would not be blogging or participating in NaNoWriMo if it wasn't for her.

I'm truly thankful for some amazing bloggers that I've met and loved "getting to know" through their witty, wise, and honest posts:

Sarah Pearson
Michael Offutt
Alex J. Cavanaugh
Christine Rains
Julie Fedderson
Crystal Cheverie
Angela Brown
Liz Fichera
Mooderino

None of these bloggers will benefit from me naming them here, since I am a little blogger compared to them; but I wanted to take this special time to let them know that they are truly appreciated by me.

Last, but not least, I want to finish this post off with a dedication to the most amazing man I've ever known.  He has loved me and supported me, gone above and beyond the call of duty to fulfill his vows to me; and loved me better than I ever thought I deserved.  I love you, C, you will always be my everything and I consider myself so lucky to have you in my corner - encouraging me and fighting for me when I need you. 

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all.

I'm falling behind and I'm beating myself up about it!

Well, I'm at 30,000 words; but I didn't write yesterday.  Another killer migraine struck and so I decided to take the day off...now I feel guilty.  Why do I put such hard requirements upon myself?  I've always been this way - I strive for perfect and never reach it (I do acknowledge where my daughter gets it from!).  Realistically, I know that I am human and can never be "perfect" and yet; well, here I am.

I've become consumed with NaNoWriMo and struggle to complete this task I've set out for myself, to the detriment of other things...like reading all of my favorite blogs.  I've got about 20 that I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Yet, I haven't visited this month because I'm so focused on getting this novel done.

So, to all of you wonderful bloggers (you know who you are!), have no fear; I'll be visiting your sites and catching up on November's posts - just not until December!

Until then, keep posting and definitely keep writing!  I miss you! :)

BTW: I'm thinking of hosting my own little contest for the holidays!  It is still in my brain's planning phase, but I hope to have it all worked out by December 5th.

The Destination Wedding in Yosemite/NaNoWriMo Update and Teaser

My husband will leave in a few hours, he is the best man in a friend's wedding.  A "destination" wedding in the Yosemite National Park.  I've never been, the kids have never been; but when the plans were initially made (and the cost assessed) it was decided he would go alone.

Now he doesn't start work until Monday, so we actually could go and have a beautiful time - as a family; but at a premium cost.  The hotel room (the least expensive one available) is $200 per night!

So, I will stay home with the kids; he will drive up to Yosemite today.  I hope he is safe, and has a good time; but I'm worried.  I worry every time he isn't by my side; I have had a reoccurring dream for years...we'll, I'm not putting that out into the Universe.

What I will end with is this - my husband is a wonderful man, I love him dearly and I am excited all ready when I think of him walking back into our home late Friday night!

BTW - NaNoWriMo update: I'm at 25,000 words!  My goal is to be at 40,000 by Monday when my other half goes back to work.  I know it will be hard to devote the same amount of hours per day I have been averaging, once he's working late nights!

Here is a bit of my book so far...(CAUTION! NOT FOR THE FEINT OF HEART!)  I've tentatively titled it "Degenerates Deserve Death".

Click.  Silence.  The door opens and I can see him lying there; passed out, naked, sweating and stinking.  I pause for just a second, man he still gives me pause – I’ll enjoy the killing just to break this sick power he’s got over me.

“Geee-O-rge”, I whisper into his ear.  No movement.  “Gee-O-rge”, I sing seductively.  A faint smile crosses his face.  I did remember to raise my voice and speak in a baby tone – he wouldn’t even respond if he didn’t think I was young.

His eyes begin to flutter, and that is when I pounce.  A single jab to his Adam’s apple just as he is coming to, I’ve mastered that blow; enough to allow him to slowly asphyxiate.  He’ll last just long enough that I can fill him in on who just ended his sorry life.

“Hello George. Funny meeting you again, I’m sure you never thought you’d see me in this trailer one more time.”

His eyes are bulging already, shit I hit him too hard.  Sometimes I can still fuck up when I'm excited, shit.

“George, it’s me.  Remember me?  Lorraine?  Oh, that’s good; I knew you’d remember me – you always said I was your favorite.  Well, you are gonna die, George.  I’ve crushed your Adam’s apple and you are dying.  How does it feel?  I bet it doesn’t feel half as bad as having to be ass-fucked by you.  It probably doesn’t compare to having a bucket of piss and shit thrown on you.  I’m betting it’s a whole hell of a lot better than having your brain fucked in such a way that you honestly believe that being abused and molested equals the best love you are ever gonna deserve.”  I manage to keep my voice quiet while he struggles to breathe, and then it’s over – he’s gone. Humpf.  Sometimes it is just so anti-climactic. 

O.M.G!

Oh! My! God!
Ok, my life has turned into writing whenever I can sneak it in...I'm at 15000 words and I'm seeing by other's blog posts that I'm falling behind.  I guess there is a contest to see who finishes first?  I didn't know that.  So, writing my novel is numero uno priority right now.

But wanted to mention just a few things...

Do you remember my amazingly talented, wonderful, drop-dead gorgeous husband that was scape-goated by a huge asshole a few weeks ago? If not, you can read about it here.  Well, he is SO awesome; that he just got a job offer from another company and they want to pay him WAY more money!  Whoo HOO!  Yeah, it kinda rocks. :)

Next, my kids went through a bit of a speed bump with archery - they were both whining and having issues, I don't know why...but this weekend they both rocked and made me proud and so...

Not only are they just awesome, all around awesome; but they totally support me writing and are giving me the space I need to do that.  My kids were even bragging at archery that "Mommy is a writer, writing a real book and everything".  I felt bad when they got bummed, I told them they cannot read it. ;)  Now my daughter is trying to negotiate with me, "When I'm 15 can I read it?"  Then I say, "Uh, no." 

She finally realized that I can't tell her NO at 18, so that's her plan...when she turns 18 she gets to read mommy's book.  She's too funny.

Well, that's all for my ramblings...

Back to writing my NaNo book! :)

When is it "OK" to lie to your children?

When you have an issue that comes up in life - like a family pet needing to be "put down" or euthanized - should you make up a story to tell your children?  Or should they learn that part of being a responsible pet owner is putting said pet out of their misery?

I ask this because a dear friend recently had to make that decision, and while I don't know that I would have chosen the option she did - I absolutely respect what she decided was best for her family.

Have any of you ever had to deal with a situation like this?  It's complicated and personal, but I wonder if it is ever "OK" to lie to your kids?  What do you think?

On another topic completely - I've written 8000 words so far for my NaNoWriMo novel.  I'm really excited about where my story is going and hope I can find someone who will read it and critique it for me!  Let me know if you'd be willing to do a novel swap! :)

My Issues with Insecurity

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo and I've written 3550 words my first day, and still I am convinced I will fail.  I decided to participate to challenge myself to complete a first draft; and so far, the words are coming - but what happens when the words aren't flying off my fingers?  What will I do then?  I have yet to write anything long enough to really struggle with writer's block, and still the fear of it is panic-inducing for me.  What do you do when the words just won't come?  You know where your story is going, but you can't seem to find the words to get you to that next plot point; what then? 

My greatest fear, of course, is that I'll finish my story and give it to someone other than my husband to read - and they will hate it.  Say, "What the hell were you thinking, you are not a writer!"

Inner demons of past self-loathing are hard to get rid of, I can analyze the psychology of my fear till I'm blue in the face - that still doesn't put them in a vault, where I don't hear the nagging voices.

I'm sharing my insecurities as a member of the Insecure Writer's Support Group...so tell me, fellow Insecure Writer's, how do you quiet the negative voices in your head?  How do you get past a block?  And, most importantly, how do you choose that first lucky individual to share your work with?

The Plot Twist

I love to read books, but it seems that most of the books I read are pretty predictable.  I would venture to say - formulaic.  So I ask, how important is the plot twist?  In order for a book to be FANTASTIC, is it necessary to have that "thing" that comes out of left field and hits you upside the head?  Or perhaps, is it more important to tell a story well, and plot twists be damned?

As I mentioned yesterday, I am participating in NaNoWriMo and spent last night mapping out my story and flushing out my characters.  I will begin to write today, after the kids are at school.  My issue occurred when I finally went to bed and spent the remainder of the night fretting that the story follows a predictable curve.  My subject matter, however, is NOT something I have seen in books before; but I'm seeing (by the blogs I read!) that there is A LOT out there that I have yet to read! 

So, if I'm dealing with topics like revenge, spiritual beliefs, pedophilia, sex slavery, and the friendship between a little girl of 9 and the kick-ass woman who kills the girl's sick captor; is that "fresh" enough?

I ask you, my wonderful readers, because you all seem to be well versed in current reads and I'd love to hear your opinion!

Good luck to all of you that are also participating in NaNoWriMo, I hope you are successful in finishing what proves to be a dynamic challenge!

NaNoWriMo

I've decided to participate in The National Novel Writing Month, and I can't even fill out the "novel" page!  What's my title? I DON'T KNOW! What's my genre? I DON'T KNOW! UGH!

For any of you that read my flash fiction piece for the Campaign - if not see below - this is the basis for my novel.  Any ideas of a genre?  I need help!  It's obviously for adults, because there is tons of cursing and my MC will be in her early 20's; there will be no supernatural elements and it deals with her own definition of spirituality, as well as her getting revenge on a ton of really bad guys..."Mystery, Thriller, Suspense"?  There really isn't a mystery involved...

I must seem really pathetic, huh?  I can't even decide what genre I'm writing!  They also have "Mainstream Fiction" - what is that??  God, I'm really clueless.  I don't pay attention when I read a book, I buy it and I read it and I never think about where it "fits" into the book publishing world.

Well, here's the flash piece my novel is based on...

You Shouldn't Scream

The door swung open and the waves of heat brought the flies. 

I can smell the stink of rotting flesh, and I pray it isn't my leg; perhaps just a rat caught in the trap under the camper.

"What the hell took you so long?" I screamed, I should not have screamed. 

Now look at me, I'm stuck and don't know what I'm going to do without him.  What the fuck kind of person just up and leaves after doing this?  I'm here because of him, if I had a phone I'd call for help; but I'm stuck in Nowheresville with no electricity, plumbing or cell coverage.  It's got to be almost midnight and I'm an idiot.

What is that scratching?  What is outside?  I've got to check my leg, but I'm scared of what I'll see.  At least it's a full moon, that'll help me clean up this mess.

"OK...I can do this...OH SHIT!"

To be fair, I did not expect the maggots...I think the puking is justifiable.

Fuck! I've got to get out of here. 

I can hear breathing; no, it is SNIFFING!

Please! Not a coyote.  The fucker's tail hit the broom and the door swung shut.
_________________________________________________________________

Let me know if you have any ideas!
Thanks, dear readers!